What about life?

I was reading online about how our solar system and the planets are expanding.  Science once said it was slowing after the big bang, turn out they made a mistake in thought and judgment.  It's expanding rapidly. 

While I was reading I thought about what this could mean.  "The earth is quickly moving away from the sun...No matter.  I won't be alive when the human life either adapts with the ever changing atmosphere or will cease to exists.  Only time will tell."  I have a feeling if it get serious enough humans will try to survive. 

Then another thought occurred to me.  Great grandchildren, or the many generations down the line hat this will affect.  Then like a bolt of lighting rushing through me - I had though about death, and I was actually scared.   Really the thought of not truly understanding what happens after death is a lonely panicking thought. So I quickly thought of heaven and hell.  I would have to believe and fallow to have the privilege to spend  the rest of eternity in either those two places.  Why did I think of heaven and hell?  Oh, right I was raised to believe religion would solve all my problems...  That might have worked if my family would have followed blindly in the "word of god" like sheep.   But instead we all lived selfishly - feeding ourselves all the drugs, anger and alcohol that could be in reach.   I went to church, and listened intently praying that no one around me noticed that I was by there standards a horrible sinner. Cause for some reason, they would say they were all about love.  But if they found out anything they would look at me as if I was cursed.  The way they did when the news broadcasted my life to everyone.  They knew what I was hiding and I could no longer shield it all away.  Their faces of uncertainty, and shame were enough for me to realize I just don't fit in their world.  I would loved to have been pure and innocent.  But my parents made it impossible.  Yet I would give up my soul to have them back.  

Even if I can go to such a place after death - I wonder why I can't remember such a place before being born.   Forgive my ignorance on the details of religion, but I compare before birth and after death feeling or being the same as place.  If you can go to a place after death, then why couldn't you be in a place before being born?

Which, if there is nothing before and nothing after, that actually makes me feel better... hoping for darkness and nothingness.  I don't want to be tortured after death for all eternity in a heaven or hell.  I don't want to worship one being and love only him.  I believe the greatest sorrow would be to bring memories with you after death.   I've heard many stories and beliefs of what you bring with you after you die.  Or what you don't bring with you.  In any case, I'd prefer nothing.  Leave it all here, whatever "this or here" is.  You honestly can't miss what you can't remember.   Plus, I don't want to be a slave to anything or anyone... certainly not a god.  I don't care what he'll give in return.   If it's not my parents, I don't want it.  

I miss the family and friends that I've lost, I miss then everyday and in every passing thought.   I hope to anything that they don't feel the pain of missing me.  Because if they do, I would find it to be more unfair then losing them from death.