Unsettled

Therapy always makes me think more then I want to. I go through some minor self discovery. Shortly followed by a nervous break down (half way though with no tears). Then after, I'll write about it and move on. So, get this. I've been wanting to go to parents grave's. Real badly recently. Only, I've NEVER been to my dads since the day we buried him. I don't really know where he's buried.
I'm scared to ask my aunt. I might ask my brother, but I know he'll be weird about it. I feel like I need to go to my dad's grave. I want to see how I feel about being at my dad's grave. I think I have some unfinished emotions to settle.
I don't know how I really feel about my dad. I've never been to his grave, mainly cause I never had a way to get there. I didn't want to drag my aunt and I didn't want to be there with my brother. I'll just suppress my emotions around him. I don't know why I do that. But, I want to be there alone. I just want to know how i'll react. Or, see if I'll even cry. My mom's grave is my release. Always. I feel comfortable crying there, and only there. Ya know? Because she's the one I miss still and loved. So in my mind it's ok for me to cry there, In that grave lays my sadness, grief and pain, I only find it fitting. Plus the moment I read her name on the grave stone I drop to my knees. I can't hold back my tears. She was my best friend, my mirror. She knew me and loved me unconditionally, as I've always loved her. But my dad, I just have had so much resentment and hate. I just want to see what I'm still holding on to.
I seems to have no choice but to do this. I think my mind is forcing it. Actually forcing it so much that I'm dreaming about it. So it's really on my mind. I rarely dream about anything relating to my life. But recently I've been dreaming about sitting at a grave sight. I think it's my dads. I think I need this. I need to let go of somethings.