When It Rains, It Pours.

Who do I complain to if people give up on listening to me.?
How could you get frustrated with someone who have no control of their life?
This is not a plea for people to feel sorry for me. To me, a foolish thing to just assume is that in a matter of months someone can just get better. I know I'll never be better. If your sick, your sick. With this it's black and white, hardly any gray in this. My friend told me I need to find more support then just my therapist. . .LIKE WHO? I guess not him? No one really in my life "cares". I'm alive, I'm still doing shit. When I'm not is when their upset. How can I help/support myself when I can't control my thoughts. I really don't wish to infect another person with my sob story.
You know, in one of my favorite movies a quote stuck out to me. I related so much to it. The movie is Great Expectations, if you haven't seen it (or read the book) your missing out on a brilliant story. Anyways here's the quote.

Finn: What's it like not to feel anything?
Estella: Let's say there was a little girl, and from the time she could understand, she was taught to fear... let's say she was taught to fear daylight. She was taught that it was her enemy, that it would hurt her. And then one sunny day, you ask her to go outside and play and she won't. You can't be angry at her can you?
Finn: I knew that little girl and I saw the light in her eyes, and no matter what you say or do, that's still what I see.
Estella: We are who we are. People don't change.

I love that quote. I believe people do change though, or they grow. But growing takes time. You can't jump from being a 7 year old to a 16 year old with out needing that time to catch up. If that makes since. That's just how I was explained about things. At a young age I was treated like an adult, I had to act like a adult. Now that I realized that I missed everything that could have helped me be a happier person. I'm kind of jaded. I wish I could do something that would be a huge 'fuck you' to my father. Because of him I'm left with nothing but memories of always trying to make him happy. Always trying to keep my family together.
I grew up miserable. Pain and heartache is my comfort. To feel happy or ok makes me feels like I'm doing something wrong. I'm a slave to unhappiness. I have to re-think my whole life. It's not fair to put someone though what I've been though, but it's not fair for someone like me to have no one understand what I've been through. And to ask me to talk about it with someone else cause he feels I don't need a professional...Like it's not THAT big of a deal. You can't just tell me to get over it, you can't just say stop thinking negatively. Why you ask? Cause it hurts me. I would want to do what you say, so badly. But to not even know where to begin makes me feel hopeless. It never ends in my mind. I can fake a smile for the rest of my life. Maybe that's what does it for everyone. Just pretend to be happy and we'll be happy to never hear of anything other then "happy". I know it's draining to listen to someone cry about there life like a broken record. But just image how draining it is to us. We hear it in our sleep, our misery never lets us rest. See I get people who suffer, if I could help them I would. But if I knew how to cure it, I'd cure myself first.