Why Me?

 So yesterday I had the day from hell. I feel like I'm going through a streak of bad luck, it's just one thing after the other. Only I did something last night that I hoped to any god I would NEVER do.
While driving the station vehicle in San Francisco for work; I hit a person on a bike. The guy was fine, I just tapped him while I was breaking. But he didn't even stop! He just gave me a mean look and kept riding his bike. But me, I was a mess. If you know me, you'll know that I never wanted to really get my license. In fear of hurting someone, or myself. The shitty part is, it's not like I wasn't paying attention or anything either. I was making a right hand turn, waiting for all the people to exit the cross walk in front of me, and as I was turning this guy on his bike came from behind me (blind spot) and turned in front of my truck. When I saw him I instantly slammed on my breaks and it hit him. He yelled and looked at me. I froze. I was so worried. I pulled over and I couldn't hold back my tears. I cried all the way home, and again telling the story to my aunt. I wrote my boss an email telling her what happen just in case the guy calls the station to complain.
Also yesterday, before I went to work I went to go get my blood drawn for my Lithium level testing. I hate syringe needles. I fainted the first day I had to get my blood drawn, when I fell I slammed my head into the wall. So my doctor gave me anxiety pills to relax me. This all isn't pleasant for me.
I go in yesterday and they had to stab both my arms cause the right sides veins didn't have enough or any blood. But then again neither did my left arm. So after fishing for a vein in my arms she had to go through my hand. All while I'm trying not to jump out of my seat and run for the door. My aunt was talking to me to try and keep me calm. I hate this shit. I hate it. I have to go through this every month and a half. I dread it.
My life isn't ok. I'm fine with knowing I've had a metal disorder. But all the bullshit that comes with it. All the shit I still have no control over. I just have to deal with. That's my sacrifice to get better, my comfort and my time. I have to fight myself to just sit through it while someone stabs me with a needle. I almost feel the same way when I get a tattoo. But I realize I'm getting something out of it. Not losing anything. They take my blood!!! That freaks me out. I don't like that.
Anyways on top of needles and stress. I have my aunt, my therapist and friends trying to help me. But I feel so out of place, always. I see everyone I knew from school is going to college, some are at N.Y.F.A. in LA and they're telling me "BreAnna, I'd thought you'd be down here already making movies". :-( I have no money to afford living in LA. I can barely afford to live in my aunts house rent free. My therapist says I'm not ready to move again and I'm not ready to do school yet. She told me I needed to take a class here in San Jose before I consider going to school LA. Because of my track record with dropping out when things get hard. Even though I do believe her and know she right. I just feel really left behind. It's just not fair, ya know? Well it is fair in a way I guess. . .it's just the why me feeling. I lost almost everything in my life, left with no parents, a brother I barely speak to, an aunt trying to make up for loss time with her kids, and a metal disorder with a side of depression. And look at me, a couple years ago I could take on the world. Now I fear the world. I've become paranoid. Two failed relationships leaving me broke and broken hearted. I came to live in Cali and I couldn't get out of bed. I cried everyday. Me! Crying EVERYDAY. For everything I had lost. I miss my mother everyday. I can't call her. I can't be as strong as people hope for me to be. I am broken. I do have great things in my life, like Kriss, Laleh, Jason and my aunt. But it's still hard. Every time I open my month I know it's not me talking. Even now. I'm jealous of everyone. It's like watching all your friends go outside to have fun and play and you have to watch from your box with a window. And the only way you could go out and play to it decrypt the jigsaw puzzle in your mind that took 22 years to create and that'll take a minimum of 8 years to fix, with no guarantees. I'm stuck with what I got and each year it get harder. The older I get the more sad I get. I feel like I'm wasting time. But I'm not allowed to push forward yet. I don't know what life wants from me. All I know is I'm not allowed to have fun in the process of figuring it out. I fear in the long run it's going to make me bitter and envious of everyone around me. They don't know what it's like to be me. They don't understand that pain. And I don't think all the help in the world could make this go away. :-(
I just wish I could have fun playing the game of LIFE with the rest of the world. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to be so far behind everyone else. I don't want to have to hold someone's hand to live a life.